When I look back on the many roads (both paved and dirt),
pathways, and barely recognizable animal trails I’ve traversed in my life, I
try to be grateful for each. There are times when I can see the clear line
between point A and B. There are many more times when the line is very fuzzy
and has taken numerous crooks and turns. In the journey to my own wellness, I
try to keep in mind that I didn’t get to where I am today overnight, and that
the journey is far from over.
I’m as guilty as the next person in thinking that when I conquer
the current phase I’m in, I’m home free. I’ve done this over and over and OVER!
I guess it’s just human nature. The good news is that I have gotten a little
smarter and when I get to fretting over the current phase, I do have the
ability to stop, breathe, and come to the realizations of that first paragraph.
I’m a passionate person. I’m a 150% full steam ahead person.
I’m my worst critic. I have expectations of my own perfection. I have
expectations of others’ perfection. Too many times these traits of my
personality have left me frustrated, dissatisfied, and…. stuck!
From my type A+ a gazillion personality days to my ever
reaching for type A- days, I do see progress in myself. Well, that is when I’m
closer to the type A- days. It’s the days when I wander back over into the type
A+ territory that do me in.
In starting this new business venture, I’ve found myself in
that territory too much. It’s a never ending game of balance. “Stoic professionalism”
on one end to "bitter resentment" on the other. "Full steam ahead" to “crawl under a rock”. I am a person ruled by my
emotions, so this roller coaster between the two can be exhausting. And now
that I’m more aware and present in my mind, body, and soul, the battle between
my good angel and my bad angel can leave me spent and exhausted.
As I sat reviewing this past week, the urge to write all of
the emotions churning through my spirit hit me. I haven’t written in a long
while. I’ve used the excuse that I’ve been too busy to take the time. Writing
is one of my outlets. Today I’m choosing to let it out versus keep it contained
any longer. I know I’ll feel better when it’s out and will be far healthier!
My hope is that by sharing the mental acrobatics that toss
and turn through my being it may help others that might be experiencing the same
things. That when you’re sitting alone with your many thoughts thinking that
you’ve completely lost your mind and all is lost, that you’ll know you’re not
alone. That this is life. This is normal. This is human... even for a massage therapist and yoga instructor.
I think some people (including myself) feel that folks in this profession have this zen state of life and can never process our humanity. I don't know that it's that we can't process it exactly, but more that we have somehow magically worked out all of our human condition-ness and don't have these sorts of feelings. Let me be the first to tell you how untrue that is.
It is a constant struggle. I often tell folks that I don't practice what I preach 24/7. It's not that I purposefully or even knowingly break the zen code. It just happens. Just as it happens in every single person in the world. The sooner we accept our own humanity, the sooner we’ll be able to be calm and just breathe.
Now I’m going to set my drama queen self aside and get back
to living this imperfect, but most enjoyable life!
Namaste
~ Machelle
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